I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
