and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
