She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just had sex bonerless
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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