You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
