dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
