Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
