I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
