So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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