I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
