so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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