I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
