Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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