i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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