Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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