Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
