and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
