It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
