When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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