She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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