i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
