Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
