no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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