she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
