Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to calm my uterus...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
