That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
