When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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