i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
