So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?