Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
