She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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