if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.