it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.