i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I could make wine with my vomit
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
