and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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