Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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