im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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