you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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