o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
