I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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