You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
being pregnant is like rehab
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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