I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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