Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
