pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
