I think I won the penis lottery.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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