I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
