the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So much Jack, so little girl.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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