So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
fuck your aforementioned shoe
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it