happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
True strength comes from lack of pants