3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
