Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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