i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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