Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
