i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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