she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?