I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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