My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
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My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss