I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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