the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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