I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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