Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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