I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
