Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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